I heard an ad on the radio the other day that spoke about enrolling for prep next year at school, and my mind instantly rewound a few years. It seems like yesterday that I was struggling to accept the fact that my baby, my little girl was going to be ripped from my arms to start her school life, under someone else’s supervision, to say the least! How were we ever going to cope with that? Maybe the real question was, “How was I ever going to cope with that?”

I will never forget coming home from our summer holiday, and running out to the local supermarket to pick up some necessary “supplies”. My little girl was always by my side. Stuck, you might say, so every time I was at the supermarket, so was she, always ready for a little chat and a quick hug whenever the need would arise. But this particular day, as I was driving out of the shopping car park, I glanced in my rear vision mirror, expecting to see her beautiful, smiling face, but she wasn’t there. She was at home with Dad. All of a sudden, I burst into tears, as the realisation swept over me that in a few days, she would be starting school and I would be driving out of that supermarket car park by myself, every single grocery day, and her beautiful smiling face would not be the heart warming reflection that would greet me every time I glanced back in my rear vision mirror.

I drove home in a blurred state of tears and sobs and drove into our driveway to find my husband in the garage, looking terrified at the sorry sight of his wife. Immediately he ran to me and said “What’s wrong?” “She’s starting school in a few days, and won’t be with me all the time anymore!” I managed to incoherently string these few words together. I’m sure he didn’t quite understand every word, my blubbering made that impossible, even to him, my best friend for the last thousand years who knew me inside out! But he didn’t need to understand, he knew exactly what I had said, and wrapped me in a hug, trying to console the inconsolable.

Well, we started school and it was all okay. Took a while to settle, (for both of us!) but we made it! I still long for the days when we would spend limitless time together doing whatever, from checking out caterpillars in the garden, to crafting the most amazing works of art! I will never forget those times, they were priceless, but I have come to understand that every stage in their development is new and exciting. It’s useless to look back in time and long for the past, when the present is so wonderful and exploding with the promise of limitless excitement and fun, not to mention boundless love.

I remember when my kids were little saying to my mum, “I just want time to sit down and enjoy a hot coffee!” Well, that time has come, I can have all the coffees I want now! But, I don’t really care, because as yummy as they are, they will never replace the precious time and memories I have with my kids, those magical moments that are locked in a special place in my heart, never to be replaced. But, there is room, room for the memories that today will create and the promise of so many more to come.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard the words, “Mum, I can’t sleep!”, I would be able to finish work, buy a boat and sail the seas of the Caribbean!
My son went through many years of having trouble sleeping. It started just after his bullying experience began. When we were on a holiday in Queensland, he came to me late one night and said the magic words, “Mum, I can’t sleep!” I looked at his beautiful face and felt the frustration and helplessness that were so visible in his innocent eyes. He was looking at me to give him the answer, the magical words that would make all his fears go away. His eyes were pleading with me to help him free himself from this horrible beast that was taking over his thoughts and controlling his mind.
I took him to the window, which spanned the whole length and height of the room and I said, “Look out there honey, look at our world!” The lights were dancing on a beautiful night time canvas and oozed a sense of excitement and mystery. I said, “Look at how beautiful our world is! It is buzzing with life! Every single person out there has their story, just like you. Everyone has something to say and is experiencing life right now. Everyone has something different going on. Our world is so big and so exciting and so mysterious that when we look at it as a whole, our problems seem so little. Don’t get so caught up in your worries and your fears, that you forget to look past them and see the true beauty of life, the real meaning of why we are here. Life is precious, life is beautiful, life is so much more than worrying about things we have no control over. It’s about living, not only for tomorrow, but for now, right now. It’s about not holding back and making the most of every opportunity. It’s about being a part of a magical, mysterious, beautiful world, that holds no limitations for the believer. It’s about letting yourself go and appreciating every moment, big or small and living in that moment, but at the same time, enjoying the promise, the excitement and the mystery of tomorrow.” He looked at me with those big beautiful eyes, and gave me a hug.
Here’s hoping that my kids take in some of my ramblings, and believe in the promises that they hold. Let’s hope they can learn from my life lessons and apply them to their own lives. Let’s hope they can do this, do it well, and do it much better than I ever could.

While our car was being repaired, we were given a courtesy car by the panel beater. Thanks! A road worthy one would have been nice though! We couldn’t hear each other speak once the car reached 30 kms per hour, as the poor old thing let out the most ear- piercing squeal in protest, as I tried to floor the accelerator in an effort to reach the speed limit! It wasn’t the fact that it was old that bothered me, I’m not a princess, I’ll drive a truck if I have to, it was a car and I was thankful I had something to scoot around in, but it was the fact that it was dangerous and just not looked after that bothered me. I held my breath every time we hopped in it, hoping that by some stroke of luck, we would reach our destination in one piece. A funny thing happened though. When I drove that car, things changed. People changed. They were nice, they let me into various traffic situations, and they smiled! It was almost as though they felt sorry for me because my car proved to them that I was less fortunate than them. My normal car is nice, like lots of other nice cars on the road, but when I drive it, I find that heaps of people are horrible. They rarely let you into their lane, or give you the right of way, and actually look at you with contempt! They yell abuse, they tailgate, they glare. Really people? It’s not a Ferrari for goodness sakes! (Would be nice to drive one though!) I couldn’t believe it, I was the same person, I hadn’t changed, but the car was different. How funny is it, that some people seem to like you, as long as you don’t have something which they consider to be better than they have! I couldn’t care less about material possessions. We bought this car, second hand, because of the safety features and because it ticked all the boxes for my engineer husband! Trust me, there were lots of boxes to tick! It was the right fit for us. We didn’t buy it for any other reason.

My old car was a Ford station wagon, and I loved it. The amount of nappies that were changed in the back of that thing, and the number of sport clothes changes that went on in it, between activities, was impressive, to say the least! It was practical, ugly but practical! I didn’t care! But the one thing I did care about, was that it didn’t have protective airbags, so we got rid of it. Come to think of it, the same thing happened in that car, people were nicer! Sad! I pointed this out to my kids as a lesson. A lesson on how to treat people. I told them, (yep, I’m always blabbing on to them about something or other!), that it doesn’t matter how people present, what matters is who they are. You make your decision about a person, based on the actual person, not based on perceptions of who they might be, or based on the material possessions they might have. That’s just wrong and really, just not fair. If someone does well, be happy for them, don’t resent them for their hard work, but be inspired by them and what they have achieved. But, I pointed out to them, remember the most important thing. Success is not measured by material possessions, it is measured by the love you have for your family and the love they have for you, and by the state of happiness and peace you achieve in your life. When you have these things, you have it all, and only then do you know that you have made it. You can be completely happy with very little, now that’s something to aspire to.

Recently my son’s footy team made it to the semifinals. Yeah, good job boys! We had an awesome season and deserved to be there. We were super proud of our boys who had worked really hard to make it this far. But when we discovered the team we would be playing, we were horrified. We had played them in the last week of the rounds and we were totally appalled at what our kids had to endure during that game. In fact, so was the league which made the decision to move the game to a different ground to the rest of the finals being played, so that there could be more officials present to oversee it. Why? Because the team we were playing were a bunch of thugs. I have never witnessed such atrocious behaviour from not only the kids, but from the parents.

This team had a reputation, and many reports have gone to the league requesting that they be removed from the competition. But they are still there. They win, not so much based on skill but on scare tactics. They intimidate the opposition and threaten them. Our kids were punched, off the ball, and crunched when they were on the ground. When the game finished, our dads stormed the ground to surround our players because they are known to king hit their opposition after the game! Crazy! At first we thought the kids were just nuts, but sadly, I kind of felt sorry for them because it’s the parents and the coaches who promote this behaviour. During the game, one of our players kicked a goal, the runner for the other team ran out and ripped through his own player, swearing at him because he allowed the goal to be kicked! Really? Who knows what these kids would have to endure if they lose!

At the semifinal, the parents were out in force. They were screaming “hit them, whack them, take them down, hit them hard!” What! We couldn’t believe what we were hearing. Even the mums were saying this! What kind of a mother, or any father for that matter, wants to see another child hurt? The language was unbelievable, and just plain disgraceful. How can we expect these kids to grow up with any sort of moral value system? How can they feel empathy and compassion for anyone when this is the example? We talk about kids who are bullies and how we can help them change their behaviour, but maybe sometimes the problem lies with the people raising them. If we want to raise kids with the correct moral fibre, we need to firstly address the adults. It’s not always the fault of the child.

We went on to lose the semifinal, there was a weird, eerie feeling in the air that day. A strange quiet engulfed the ground. Was it fueled by fear, or by the anticipation of what could happen? Who knows. Their plan worked, our kids were intimidated, they held back and were cautious. Who wouldn’t be when one team is out to win based on their own set of rules. Even the umpires seemed intimidated, so many obvious calls were just not made. Human nature I suppose, maybe they were scared too!

Isn’t it time for parents to re-evaluate their behaviour and realise, that just because they didn’t make it as elite sportspeople, living their dreams through their kids is just not the answer? Isn’t it time to let kids be kids, play their sport and reap the rewards that come with doing their best, respecting the unwritten rules of sportsmanship, selflessly being happy when others succeed and simply having respect for others as fellow human beings? Isn’t playing sport and life in general, all about getting out there and giving it a go, never giving up, playing fair and giving it your all? That’s what the crowd comes to see, that’s what we as parents want to see. Our kids should be living, loving and enjoying life and their achievements. To me, that’s what it’s all about win, lose or draw.

Resilience…The one remaining flower in an otherwise winter stricken garden!

Resilience seems to be a magic word these days. Everyone is talking about how important it is to be resilient, and yes it is, not only for our kids in the school yard and online, but also in general, in our relationships and in everyday life. I’ve heard so many people say that they wish they could be more resilient but they are just not built that way. So, can resilience be taught? The answer is very simple, yes it can. We are all born with some degree of innate resilience, the difference however, is how we choose to exercise it.

When I graduated from university, I got a job in a male dominated industry. I was never the most assertive of people, a little shy and totally scared of making a mistake, but at the same time determined, driven and eager to learn. A strange mix, I know! I had been raised in a family of three sisters, went to an all girls school, and was still very wet behind the ears. One of the first meetings I ever went to, I witnessed one of the senior partners of the firm, stand up and give his team a spray. He ranted and raved and asserted his authority like some king lion marking his territory. There was no human element to his tirade, no compassion, no understanding. I looked at his team, and they were terrified of him, heads down, no one dared to look up in case he focused his anger on them. I heard a little voice inside me say, “Come on, stand up for yourselves, explain yourselves, don’t let him get away with treating you like that!” But no one did. I made a mental note to never let anyone make me feel like that.

Later down the track, I attended another meeting with another senior partner and a very influential client and his team. I watched and observed as these two remarkably successful, intelligent men went about putting their opinions forward, challenging each other, there was no room for error, a moment’s hesitation would mean defeat. “So this is how it goes”, I thought, “it’s a power play”. That’s when I made a conscious decision to reinvent myself.

I had been raised in a family where my parents constantly told me that I had the power to be whoever and whatever I wanted to be. That I should make the most of every opportunity and never let people intimidate me, male or female. That I am my own person, who is capable of making my own decisions depending on what I believed and not to follow the masses. My high school instilled very similar values in us girls, teaching us that we were strong, confident, independent women and our success was only limited by our own perceptions and belief in ourselves. All these values were there waiting for me to tap into them and unleash their power. Up until now, I hadn’t had to use them very much, life had been pretty easy going, but now the moment had come, this was a hard industry and it was time to grow up.

I soon understood that every experience held a life lesson that was there if you wanted to embrace it and learn from it. I very quickly understood that self-respect and self-belief, were paramount in succeeding. I learnt that it doesn’t matter if you are talking to the Prime Minister or the Postman, that both these people deserve the same degree of respect, as did I. I went to all meetings with the same mindset, I didn’t try to take people down and establish power, I spoke with respect, and people responded. I brushed off negative comments as much as possible and worked really hard on not being intimidated by the level of authority that was present in the meeting. It took a while to build this resilience, it didn’t just happen, but I hope that my experiences can help teach my kids, while they are young, that resilience is one of the most important skills we can have. After all, we are all the same at the end of the day and everyone should be treated equally. No one is better, no one is superior, we are all human and no one is above another. I tell my kids this on a regular basis, I try to help them understand that even though deep down it is scary and intimidating to speak in front of people and let them judge you, it’s ok because they are no better than you. Their opinion is their opinion, and they are entitled to it. If they try to put you down, upset you, belittle you with words, or try to assert power over you, that’s ok, they are still playing the silly game that so much of the world still thinks is relevant, a powerplay that has no relevance in the scheme of life. I tell my kids that they will encounter this time and time again, but to not let it rattle them. I tell them to be true to themselves and always back themselves, to never let the words and underhanded tactics of others influence their self-perception and their overall confidence.

I have seen many a business-person bluff their way through a sticky situation, whose success came down to being resilient enough to not fall to pieces when it mattered. I understood that this resilience had been learnt, through years of experience. Everyone has a different level of resilience, some people are brimming with it, but not everyone is born so lucky. Most of us have to learn the ropes and understand that we can bounce back from adversity and come out stronger in the end. Words can be weapons, used by people who feel the need to assert authority and attack your integrity. But that’s ok, these words only have the power to have an effect on you if you let them, if you choose not to, then you have already won the battle before it even begins.

“Is it ok for kids to be bored on the school holidays?” I heard this question being thrown around the other day, and it made me think. Well, is it ok? I think the answer is “Yes!” Yes, because it forces kids to use their imagination to entertain themselves. Is that such a bad thing?

I, like so many other parents, want to make sure that my kids have a great time on their school holidays. We don’t go away or anything like that, most of the time, but I organise play dates (not for my 13 year old, they are now called “get togethers”!), we go to the movies, parties, that place where you bounce on trampolines that is so awesome, it makes me want to jump around like an out of control 10 year old high on sugar, we go to the city, that dangerous new chocolate cafe that just opened up, you know, all that stuff. I try to make sure they are entertained. But the other day, we had nothing on, no particular place to go, and it was the best day ever!

The morning saw me doing some boring housey stuff, which led them to go outside. Yes, it’s winter, yes there have been sniffles, but a nice warm coat and a big imagination was all they needed. Before I knew it, there they were on the trampoline, laughing, jumping, carrying on and making up games that they both took turns in creating and they both enjoyed. Hang on, even though they weren’t “doing” anything, they were far from bored. They were having fun, unscheduled, uncomplicated, untechnologically (if there is such a word) enhanced fun! And it was awesome. Don’t get me wrong, my kids are often outside, for my son it’s a daily ritual, it’s part of being a kid. They need to use their energy productively and be a part of nature, but today was different, because today it hit me. The best times are often the simple times. The times that don’t cost you anything. These times build relationships, create bonds and generate lasting memories. There is no rushing, no running against the clock, these times are just simple and relaxed. They allow kids the space to wind down and just be, be in the moment and enjoy one of the basic joys in life, each other’s company. When we bamboozle our kids with too much, too many scheduled activities, too many electronics, etc, everything becomes a blur. One activity blends into another and we run the risk of creating overstimulated kids who don’t know how to wind down and switch off, who always need to be entertained and don’t know how to cope when faced with having to figure it out for themselves. Letting them have the time to be “bored” actually gives them the chance to create fun in their own way, on their own terms and stimulates their imagination, which is only limited by their own creativity. They learn how to look within themselves and their own minds to find solutions to problems, rather than look for someone else to come along and fix everything for them.

Our afternoon ended at the local oval, with 2 bikes, a football and the three of us, (poor hubby was at work!) We laughed, we ran, we played, we raced, some on a bike some on foot, we kicked the football through the goal posts, or not, and hey, I almost even kicked the football through the basketball hoop, from quite a distance! (For the record I have got it in twice in the past, my husband and son call it a fluke, I call it skill!) But you know what, it was one of the best days ever! We had all we needed, we had each other which meant we had it all, and we loved it!

Imaginative little minds create beautiful little things…

“What kind of a mother lets her son do this?”, was the question I asked myself over and over again as I sat in my warm car and watched, as my son battled it out on the rain drenched footy field. The weather was atrocious! I had never before seen a game where the kids actually got cleaner as the game went on, thanks to the pounding, relentless rain which washed their arms and legs but made sure that the mud that would stain their white shorts for days, got thicker and thicker! 

My car told me that it was 7.5 degrees outside and my heart screamed silently for the siren to blow, so I could take him home, give him some warm soup and wrap him up warmly for the rest of the day. But when it comes to footy, who listens to mum? Surely not my boy, who would play in a hurricane if given the chance, and definitely not his father who ignored my pleas to fake an injury and stay home, after I looked out the window and saw Mother Nature beating down on us with fierce determination to show us who’s boss. 

It was the longest four quarters of kids’ footy ever, even the dads who normally proudly sport their “admirable” attitude of “If my boy is out there in the elements so am I”, had retreated to the shelter underneath the scoreboard to escape the rain drops that were so hard they actually hurt!  But the kids didn’t care. They loved it. They seemed to direct the ball into the mud puddles so they could slip and slide, and occasionally somersault through them in an effort to win the ball. And win the ball they did. The last few seconds saw a desperate madness engulf the field as the game hung in the balance. The atmosphere was electric, parents were yelling out futile instructions to their kids as the ball bounced and slipped through desperate little hands, on a mission to win the game for one of these teams. We were leading by four points, but the ball was right in front of the other team’s goal. There were kids everywhere, no one kept their field positions as everyone bombarded the goal square. The last 30 seconds felt like an eternity, as my daughter and I stomped our feet and screamed, “Blow the siren!”. We must have looked like two crazy lunatics but no one noticed, they were doing the same! The ball slipped from one kid’s hands to the next, as they all dove in and tried their hardest to win the game for their team, some trying to stop the goal, others trying to score it. One bounce in the wrong direction and it would all be over for us. As luck would have it, the siren blew and we won! We cheered and clapped and high fived each other, but as I looked back at the field, my heart broke as I saw the faces of the other kids on the losing team. I saw how they covered their faces with their hands and dropped into the mud in defeat. It’s just a game I know, but it’s so hard to see kids lose. If only they could all win all of the time, but life just doesn’t work like that, we need to experience the joy of winning and the agony of defeat. It grounds us and makes us better people. But still, you tell that to a kid who fought so hard, braved the elements and got nothing for it.

But, it was our boys’ day. They walked off the field, linked arm in arm and belted out their team song. No one heard it because the rain stole anyone’s chance of sharing their moment. But it didn’t matter, it was their moment, their moment of glory, nothing could dampen their feeling of being 10 foot tall and bulletproof, not even the mud and dirt which did not only leave a mark on their clothes, but created a game that would win a place in their hearts forever.